Peripheral Encounters

As a child, on my back, bright sun on my face, eyes closed,

The little squiggles inside my warm pink eyelids

Danced and jerked away as I tried to see them more closely.

Only if I didn’t look, could I glance at them,

So I avoided looking directly, for fear they’d jump and run away into the darker recesses…

Just as the lizards I’d catch on fence posts did

If they sensed me looking before I deftly grabbed them.

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I developed the art of peripheral scanning

Learning how to observe without being observed observing,

And sensing into the patterns that served me well as a kid:

I could spot a lizard on a tree trunk, a snake in the grass

And most of the time,

Even while running through shrubby bushland with skin bare to the sky,

Could see and avoid paper wasp nests that were painful if disturbed.

Of course, I’ll never know how many I luckilly dodged but didn’t see!

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My capacity to see patterns extended.

Uni studies showed me geological and ocean systems

Elegantly intertwined with ecologies and climates.

Public service showed me humans relating, or not, and

That small choices could affect whole ecosystems of players;

Or how a pen, steered by eyes paid not to see, could permit

Wilful interventions to destroy nature, communities and relationships.

Human system dynamics revealed different worldviews

And how these influenced the world around us.

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Just like, as a kid, I could point out lizards to those who hadn’t spotted them,

I discovered how to reveal these less-visible human systems to others.

Some saw semantic frames and system diagrams I drew as ‘deeper truths’….

At least from their perspectives,

As features hidden to them suddenly became more apparent,

After having lain hidden, almost invisible, in the peripheries of their attention.

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Yet I’ve also learned that, just as in my childhood,

If I look too directly at a subject, or try to do so too soon, I risk it running and hiding

Dashing off to the peripheries for the fear of being too close to scrutiny;

For scrutiny might lead to capture, and capture to… well, who knows?

This elusive quality, this mystery of seeing living, polyvagal systems moving,

Requires continual refinement, conscious restraint, transcontextual coexistence

And a willingness to not look too closely, too soon.

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I have found that

The closer I can get, without scaring my subject,

The more gently I can bring attention to what is obvious to me,

The more actively I can enlist others in looking for themselves

Without shouting in excitement when they first see it,

The more likely we can get closer, by triangulating before it disappears,

And share a moment of clear vision together.

Perhaps we can even get close enough for a real, living, trusting encounter

— A deep look into another’s soul with mutual respect for being seen —

And with wonder in the knowing, that we are being seen being seen;

Reciprocal attention; proximity; authentically honoured; vulnerable; no fear.

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The fence post is not the only place where lizards live…

So pay attention to how you pay attention.

The map is not the territory…

So keep exploring to refine it as you walk… `

The inside of my eyelid is not where my optic nerve is…

And, yet, on my back, bright sun on my face, eyes closed,

The little childhood squiggles inside my warm pink eyelids

Still dance and jerk away if I try to see them more closely,

With my child-like eyes.

Neil Davidson

August 2019